I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
