I puked a lego.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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