I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
