there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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