mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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