The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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