I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
