Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
