Is it normal to miss your booty call?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
