then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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