Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
