I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
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Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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