Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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