I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
