Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I touched a dick in church today
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