I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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