So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
