I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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