I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
