the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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