So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
