you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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