I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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