If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I could make wine with my vomit
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
