Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
