why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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