he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
