we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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