I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
