she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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