so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
