As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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