I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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