I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
