Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
