Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
