i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
