when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
