I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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