WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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