i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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