umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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