I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Randomize
