New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
