I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
