Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
