I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
