He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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