She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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