How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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