They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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