Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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