Just cropdusted the office
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
