just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
