what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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