you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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