I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
