She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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